Friday, March 8, 2013

Amazon Jitters

I have a confession to make.

I wasn't sure I wanted to write about the ABNA on my blog. It's part of the reason I didn't write anything until after I'd heard the results of the first round and knew I'd made it. You see, I didn't want to share my hopes and get everyone excited about the possibilities and then have to deal not only with my own shattered dream but the disappointments of everyone else too. It seemed easier to just carry my own and suffer in silence.  But then I saw this talk. Amanda Palmer's The Art of Asking which is about being vulnerable with others, particularly those who are interested in your art.

What I had been doing was not as much from the desire to spare you as it was to hide me. I didn't want to throw myself out there, because what if no one cares? Or worse what if there are people out there who are secretly glad if I don't succeed? How would I be able to get up the next morning if that were true? And if no one ever knows what I am thinking or feeling then I will never get hurt. But this is a lie. I would still hurt and I was inhibiting the very thing that could catch me and keep me from falling. Namely you.

So in four days I will know the result of the second round of Amazon's Breakthrough Novel Award. My mind is clogged with questions, fears and hopes. Will The White Lilac make it? Will it not make it but get a decent review? Will I search for my name only to be crushed moments later? But I would like to share these with you. To be open about my own fears, dreams and disappointments and to share them with anyone who may care. To share them with you.

This is me holding out my hands and saying I can't do this alone. I need help. I need you.

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